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Your exoskeleton is ruining my life!

Posted on August 7, 2015, by

Researchers at Carnegie Mellon University in the US have developed an exoskeleton designed to make walking 7% less difficult, because centuries of observation has confirmed that people are lazy and walking is a goddamn chore.

Officially called the ‘walking assist clutch’, the device has no batteries or powered parts, so it’s lightweight, low-cost and easily portable. It’s intended for those workers who spend much of their time on their feet – think doctors and emergency responders – and also for people with mobility issues. But we can probably all agree that the walking assist clutch will go the way of the Segway and primarily be used by healthy young men in business suits who can’t be bothered to expend enough energy to move their own legs as God and nature intended, because science says they don’t have to.

So the next time you’re running to catch a train and you get shoved out of the way just before the doors close in your face, be sure to look down and scan for the telltale outlines of an exoskeleton beneath the perpetrator’s suit trousers. Then use 7% of your rage to curse Carnegie Mellon for screwing up your entire life.

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